…When he fancies he is past love
It is then he meets his last love
And he loves her as he’s never loved before.
From the song ‘A Batchelor Gay’ (source unknown)
12th February 2016
I chose this quotation because of Valentine’s Day, of course, and I always love reminding the young that old people fall in love too. But love and sex….do they go together? Not always. The website Gransnet has commissioned a survey of over-50s which finds that one in four older couples never make love and yet say they have never been happier. This research says the obvious – that trust, kindness, friendship and humour are more important in a relationship than sex. Hugs too, of course.
Sometimes I think the world would much happier be if children were conceived with a pill and nobody ever thought about sex. Just imagine – no half-clad starlets, sleazy pictures in down-market publications, or horrible ‘sexting.’ As for the more serious things like prostitution and trafficking…well, let’s not think about them here.
Sex is responsible for stupidity and misery in spades – and no one can deny it. Of course you will tell me that lovemaking is beautiful when two people adore each other – that the physical expression of love is essential to a good relationship. But I disagree. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been writing an advice column ten years and know about all the fall-out from affairs. Perhaps I’m middle-aged and jaded – but I’m afraid I think more about the unhappiness caused by sex than its romantic delights.
Most advice columnists hold that sex is essential to a good marriage. Certainly, if one half of a couple wants it and the other does not, the stage is set for grief. Such people write: ‘I’m so miserable because I don’t get enough sex from my wife/husband – what can I do?’ Often I wonder what else is wrong within the marriage. For example, one of the things that continues to shock is that couples don’t communicate. A man or woman can be selfish/controlling/sloppy/taciturn/lazy/bad-tempered – and then expect all that to be forgotten once the lights are out. As if!
The obvious advice is to be more attentive. I’ve actually told a disgruntled husband to buy his ‘cold’ wife flowers, pay her compliments, take her out for dinner, and so on. Perhaps a renewed sex life might follow on from such tender attention. But do I really believe that advice? I’m not sure. And even if were to work, wouldn’t that suggest the sex is secondary and the tenderness far more important?
When I was younger I loved sex. Couldn’t get enough! But I confess it caused problems and I’m not sorry that the urge has all but disappeared. The trouble is, I associate romantic desire – not to mention good old-fashioned lust – with the beginning of relationships or (more dangerously) with illicit love. Heady, desperate entanglements are the stock-in-trade of an advice columnist’s postbag. Of course people will always fall in love, but be honest – cheating on your partner is mainly about fresh sex. Been there, done that, got the wounds.
On the other hand – once you’re married, once daily routine in all its glory brings tranquillity and companionship…Oh, isn’t all that rather messy sex stuff rather a chore? I know women in their thirties who feel just as I do. They grin and whisper, ‘Sex is OK, but honestly, I’d rather sleep! So we can celebrate the joy of ‘last love’ and hope it turns into lasting love. But gymnastics in bed……? Try a little tenderness instead.